Erotic Review Magazine

C'est si bon – c'est chic!

by Zoë Apostolides / 25th November 2015

The tricky thing about burlesque is that one never knows if it's going to be terrible. It's gathered new audiences in the past decade, and has become more widespread as a style of performance. It's relatively new (not to ER, of course, fnar) but to theatrical companies who might have cottoned onto a winner and started to dabble the proverbial toe. So yes, a blossoming industry – helped along by a renewed interest in cabaret and variety shows – but a spit and shoe polish enterprise nonetheless, which in my book makes it that much more impressive when it's pulled off. And this is – Chic Bonbons is entertaining, it's sexy and it's fun.

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“Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ” - Charles Bukowski


Julie Cook: Sightlines - Public and Private (Lives)

24th November 2015

Art and Design Gallery UNIVERSITY OF HERTFORDSHIRE 20 November - 16 January 2016 'Sightlines - Public and Private (Lives)' will showcase Julie Cook's work over 20 years as an 'embedded' photographer working in the exotic dancing industry in London and Las Vegas. In particular the exhibition will focus on Cook's work at 'Olympia Moments' Ltd, a London exotic dancing club owned run and operated by the dancers themselves. As interested in the audience and their reactions to the spectacle unfolding before them, as she is in the performers. This is a documentary project (the images could easily appear in a Sunday colour supplement) yet Cook's Long-term engagement with spectacle, sexuality and the body as a site for performance raises her photography to the level of art. Image: Julie Cook, Beauties of Today, Lolita Valentine 2010 University of Hertfordshire Galleries Art and Design Gallery College Lane, Hatfield, AL10 9AB Click here for link to UH site Monday - Friday: 09:30 - 17:30 Saturday (exhibition days only): 09:30 - 15:30

It's all about sex… apparently

11th November 2015

Modigliani’s Reclining Nude has been sold for £113,000,000, supposedly to a Chinese collector (with a Dom Yuan complex?). And so when the ER office syndicate wins the Euromillions jackpot on Friday (almost a dead cert, crack open the Krug for a pre-celebration tipple, Camilla) we won’t even be in the running for a bang up post-Impressionist such as by this doomed, consumptive Italian. They tell us the astronomical price, the second most expensive painting ever to sell at auction, is all about sex. Maybe, but only in the sense of showing a fuck-off picture like this to your peers who, like you, aren’t going to need a Courtauld PhD to see that the girl is smokin’ hot. Call us pretentious, Grayson, but we’d rather have the far sexier Titian’s Venus of Urbino. So ciao, Uffizi Gallery, let us know when you’re thinking of deaccessioning this one…

Press Release of the Week: Wireless Armour

2nd September 2015

It makes you proud to be British. Or, as Nicola Sturgeon would possibly have it, English. UK boffin Joseph Perkins has invented a pair of underpants that will protect a chap’s personal sperm bank from the reproductive equivalent of a Black Wednesday crash. Seems that carrying your mobile close to your lunchpack (as in your chinos pocket) could wreck your chances of parenthood. Although this writer sees that as some sort of natural, Darwinian counterbalance, Perkins thinks that his silver mesh, form-hugging boxer briefs will save the world’s population from inevitable and drastic decline. His ultimate undies will shield your testicles from all that nasty electromagnetic radiation that decimates sperm motility and renders the little fellows unable to do their job. So what’s not to like? Well, Sir Richard Branson (VirginMan) has described the invention as ‘underpants for superheroes’. But if that doesn’t put you off, then you can buy them at for £24 to £35. (see illustration; dramatic bulge not guaranteed).

Don't miss Tricity Vogue's Ukulele Cabaret Beach Party today

7th July 2015

It's the last of her Kings Cross uke cabarets before the Summer Break This week she hosts more stars from the Grand Northern Ukulele Festival. The No Direction Hot Boys are a supremely funny bunch from Reading who threaten to bring their Snow Men costumes. Joining them is the co-star of award-winning web drama A Quick Fortune, Erin Hunter. Plus mass ukulele singalongs and the legendary open mic of course. And an inflatable plastic palm tree. Unmissable! TODAY: Tuesday 7 July Lincoln Lounge, 52 York Way, Kings Cross 8pm-11pm Entrance FREE

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by GARY GARTH MCCANN / 3rd November 2015

Who was he? She watched him sleep, his back to her, the top edge of the covers clamped in his armpit. Madre de Dios. Tiptoeing around the bed, she halted with each creak of the floor lest she wake him. On her desk chair hung her old cardigan that came halfway down her thighs once she slipped into it. Reaching for an open bottle of water by her laptop, she knocked over a Coca-Cola glass holding pens and froze while the stranger stirred and rolled onto his other side.

Parting Gift

by Graeme Stones / 16th September 2015

I had a present for you, he said, but I can’t give it to you now. Why not? Because it’s a present for lovers and now we’re not. I didn’t come here knowing, I just came like I usually do and when I got here I just knew I couldn’t do it any more. I’m sorry. I’m sorry too. Give it to me anyway, give it to me so I can remember how we were today. It’s not that kind of present, it’s not a keepsake, I’d have got something else, no I wouldn’t, why should I give you a present to remember me by? Don’t be angry. Please. Easy for you to say. It’s not easy you pig, it’s not easy, how can you say that, you’re the one it’s easy for, I have to go home every time, I can’t do it anymore, it’s like I’m two people, it isn’t fair to say it’s easy, you don’t have to be two people you bastard, what do you know about it. I’m sorry, look I’m sorry, it’s just all so sudden, I don’t know where I’m at. I know.

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Antic Staatsoper: Gods and Myths

10th May 2015

If I don't see Art as a way to turn this world in a better place, I strongly believe that the main role of art is to ask us the good questions about it. Artists have to point out the issues and trouble of our conditions that stop us on our way to the spirituality and universal harmony.

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Because She's Got Breasts

by / 5th September 2013

After a few months at Erotic Towers, Tati is leaving her post as editorial assistant to chase boys in the South of France. Parting is such sweet sorrow: let us sweeten it a little more with a charming song about her breasts. Ladies, this one is for you.

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by Bruce Abrahams / 19th November 2015

Recent events in Paris have led to a subdued mood in the Old Doom Bar. Even our host’s normally ebullient promotion of his Festive offer has been muted. We watched the France v England friendly in almost neutral spirit and although pleased enough by the England win took little satisfaction from its promise. Rather, we shared the inevitable tropes of sympathy, bewilderment about terrorism and hopes that all sectors of our multi-cultural society would rally behind the cause of Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité. This slogan seeming much more meaningful than the anodyne ‘British values’ trotted out by our leaders.

Porn and the Lords: A Great Parliamentary Spectacle

by Ian Dunt / 5th November 2015

There is arguably no greater parliamentary spectacle than watching lords debate pornography. It's a rare treat. I've never seen the matter come up in the chamber before. But we must hope it comes again soon, because this afternoon's debate, launched by famed pornography expert the Bishop of Chester, was far more enjoyable than anything in the cinema. The Bishop began by admitting that his "first-hand knowledge of pornography is very limited", but – as you may guess – this did not stop him from holding very firm convictions on the 'ugly squalid degraded sex' he had been told it contained.


by Bruce Abrahams / 16th October 2015

Surveillance and censorship were much on the agenda at The Old Doom Bar this week. This was partly inspired by the presence of a London-based Barrister in our midst. As with so many of his trade he was a fund of anecdote. Much of it either reassuring to those seeking to avoid justice or depressing to those who sought it. It is the same with medicine. Both sorts of practitioners of these professions, once drink has been taken, are apt to cast off their normal considered demeanour and treat their audience to the comic version of their work.


by Ali Weiss / 13th October 2015

I’ve never had it with a doctor, but it’s a common fetish to take relations outside the office. I imagine it would be really sexy if they whispered all the side effects while we stared into each other’s eyes and fell into a simultaneous rhythm of lifting and lowering. Throw some ice cubes into the mix or crank the heat up: there’s a new way to get your temperature taken.


by Joanna Williams / 10th October 2015

Pick any social problem, real or imagined. Whatever it is, the solution proposed by well-meaning busybodies is always to get it on the school curriculum. Obesity crisis? Get schools to teach healthy eating. Financial crisis? Teach kids how to budget. Doctors over-prescribing drugs? Teach kids about the correct use of antibiotics. Rape culture? Compulsory 'sex and relationships' education. Earlier this year, wannabe Prime Minister Nicky Morgan argued that sex education in schools does not go far enough and proposed new measures to make such lessons compulsory and cover a wider range of issues – such as consent. Morgan might have been surprised to discover just how much Jeremy Corbyn agrees with her on this point. He also wants children to be given lessons in ‘age-appropriate’ sex and relationships education in order ‘to help end sexism and tackle violence against women and girls’.

The Survivalist: An Interview with Stephen Fingleton

by Florence Walker / 2nd October 2015

Stephen Fingleton passes on the offer of coffee, thanks. He’s got an hour – before he’s goes off to a meeting round the corner in Soho – to impart his wisdom about sex, evolutionary psychology and film. More history professor than film director in appearance, he looks at me as though I’ve handed in a mildly disappointing essay. I get the feeling I’m about to be schooled. His towering frame sports a tweed jacket and an unexpected cravat. A bushy beard camouflages his youth of 32 years. The combination creates an academic’s air of chaotic brilliance. He removes his glasses to expose the full power of his hypnotic stare… repeat after me: ‘You will go and see The Survivalist’.


by Zoë Apostolides / 25th September 2015

Zoë Apostolides: Tell us how it all started. What are you trying to achieve? Were early audiences receptive?  Ursula Martinez: In a way, my new show, Free Admission, is a simple response to a lot of the feedback that I got from my last show My Stories, Your Emails. A lot of people commented on how much they had enjoyed my autobiographical stories and felt they could have heard more. And so that is what I decided to do. Although my stories and observations are quite personal, I tackle a range of meaty subjects that resonate with a wider audience, including religion, the Internet, gender inequality, war, racism… as well as the cleanliness (or lack thereof) of my bum-hole! I premiered the show this summer at The SouthBank in London and got an overwhelmingly positive response from audiences.

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LOVE in 3D

by Florence Walker / 11th November 2015

Murphy, an American film student in his early 20s is living with his partner, Omi, and their child in Paris as he laments the breakup with his ex-girlfriend, Elektra. He receives a voicemail from Elektra’s mother telling him that she’s gone missing. Instead of going out to look for his ex, he indulges in a set of opium-induced flashbacks.

Grow A Pair

by Ellie Broughton / 10th November 2015

Remember the fairytale about the girl and the penis bush? No, me neither. But the premises of the nine and a half “fairytales” in Grow A Pair are swollen with surreal eroticism and a weird, lavish imagination. As well as harking back to horny early puberty fantasies, the stories in Joanna Walsh’s collection also resound with tender-hearted humour, aimed at adults whose sexual flights of fancy has been curtailed to the “most private thing I’m willing to admit” field on an internet dating site. Grow A Pair is a short story collection a little like The Bloody Chamber after a couple of gins. ‘A girl passed a penis-bush growing in someone else’s garden, and picked a ripe dick because she couldn’t resist it’ – it grins at you from page one.

Photographs of Chaotic Lives

by Ali May / 30th October 2015

I have found yet another evidence that London is the centre of the world. This time it is a book of images from Lebanon, curated and brought together by a Pole. A Lebanese Archive is a collection of images from the personal collection of of Lebanese emigre Diab Alkarssifi. Most of them are anonymous, giving the book a ghostly quality, yet making it a window into lives of others. The others that we may never get to know, but we, in this book, get the chance to see them frozen in a frame.

Measure for Measure at the Young Vic

by Zoë Apostolides / 19th October 2015

Measure for Measure is more than what critics have dubbed a "problem play" – it's completely baffling, and a brave choice for any director to try and tackle. Joe Hill-Gibbins' production is very Young Vic – alternative, edgy, and starring an extended cast of about a hundred blow-up sex dolls. Vienna lies in moral tatters, and the Duke is horrified. He privately elects to go about disguised, telling Angelo, his deputy, to pull the city's socks up in his absence. Meanwhile Claudio, a young man accused of lechery, is thrown into the stocks to await the death sentence. His sister, the convent-girl Isabella, begs Angelo for mercy – and is denied it, unless she commits the very act for which her brother is condemned. She refuses.

The Dark Knight Would Approve

by Erotic Towers Review Team / 7th October 2015

It’s a bit like having sex with Batman’s body armour (don’t ask me how I know what this feels like). It looks like a robotic trilobite that could find its own docking station if you asked it nicely. My partner compared it to the thing that clamped itself over John Hurt’s face in Alien, which I thought was unfair. It has two independent motors and costs around ninety quid. It’s waterproof, so you can use it in the shower (recommended). It’s reassuringly heavy. It’s the slickly-designed rechargeable Hot Octopuss PULSE 2 Duo Vibrating Male Masturbator, boasting new PulsePlate technology and it can be used with lube or dry. It’s a lot of fun with a partner (if something has to come between you, it might as well be this), but possibly more of a warm-up toy than a 0-60 orgasm aid.

The Barometer of My Heart

by Louisa Dunnigan / 18th September 2015

Stratford is a strange, dead place after dark. The roads are straight and empty, lined with fancy new tower blocks in all directions, with only the occasional window lit. It’s hard to imagine anything living, let alone creating art in this cold and impersonal landscape. Which in some ways makes it the perfect setting for Mark Storor’s new play, The Barometer of My Heart, a disturbing and raw exploration of masculinity, potency and its constant companion, impotency. Erectile dysfunction is a common condition that is often kept hidden and undiscussed, behind closed doors and hardened exteriors; Storor’s play aims to bring this male experience from the shadows into the light.

La Grande Bouffe

by Florence Walker / 31st August 2015

Let’s face it boys, to be a white male in 2015 is, frankly, unfashionable. Yet here’s a film that makes Clarkson’s Top Gear look like a vicar’s tea party with extra doilies. La Grande Bouffe is about male physiology and psychology in all its full glory and horror.

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Heart Killer is Nowicki’s fifth novel, with close thematic links to his controversial 2011 novella, The Columbine Pilgrim

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