Erotic Review Magazine

A CV Is Bullshit

by Single Woman Abroad / 30th August 2014

When I moved to Ibiza I knew what I was signing up for. As my friend C often says, 'This island runs on sex.' Outside almost every restaurant in Ibiza Town you'll find a heavily made up young women in heels and miniskirts whose sole role is to lure in custom. In San Antonio outside the little boat shacks that line the marina, young women in bikinis are employed to tempt you on to various vessels of dubious seaworthiness. Of course, that's just the surface, scratch beneath and you'll find the commodification of coitus on every corner. Sex sells and on Ibiza, it's the primary industry. A few weeks ago I applied for job as a waitress. 'Please attach a photo with your CV' the ad said. I didn't recoil in militant feminist horror and retreat to my bunker in a burlap sack. I needed a job. Pretty urgently as it happens. So I sent off a CV with a photo attached. This is the reply I received a few minutes later:

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“An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex. ” - Aldous Huxley

News

ER’s Top Ten Erotic Summer Reads

2nd August 2014

The wave of romantic erotica remains undiminished with Fifty Shades of Grey still triumphantly leading the way followed closely by Sylvia Day’s Crossfire series. One of the many advantages of the digital revolution is the anonymity that accompanies it. We can download all manner of dodgy commercial claptrap and no one is any the wiser. And it is the women’s romantic erotic market that benefits from this trend. Whilst it is still difficult to know exactly what sort of numbers are selling digitally what is clear is that there is an appetite for it. Last year The Bookseller noted: ‘Erotica is also more attractive to e-book buyers. Just one of the top 50 bestselling printed books in the month of August was an erotic novel. Seven earn places in the E-book Ranking. It certainly appears that there is still a taboo about being caught reading such material, despite the mainstream success of the Fifty Shades series’ But one of the downsides of this explosion of women's erotica is that this genre has become swamped by an unconscionable load of tosh. It's a hard slog to work your way through this, and  there is no reliable filter. So here at Erotic Review (which, as you are no doubt aware, is all about good sex) we have diligently ploughed our way through a vast number of publications that are currently on Amazon’s Top 100 Bestselling Erotica list. We think the following books tick the box of well-written sex and provide the escapism necessary for a perfect summer holiday read: 1. Tiffany Reisz – The Saint - Holy perversions, a priest, a Ducati and a spirited young heroine 2. Louise Black – The Tattooist - three women, one Man: This isn't 50 shades of grey - it's 1000 realms of black 3. Zoe Pilger – Eat My Heart Out - A biting look at contemporary feminism, sexuality and romance and a heroine you'll love to hate (and I mean that). 4. Helen Walsh - The Lemon Grove - Sun. Desire. Obsession. An explosive, intelligent novel from the prize-winning author of Brass. 5. Primula Bond – The Silver Chain - photographer, Serena and gallery owner, Gustav, a silver chain instead of a collar; a seductive and well-executed novel. 6. Jodie Ellen Malpas – One Night Promised - just published and an eagerly awaited novel. M wants one night to worship Livy. No feelings, no commitment - nothing but pleasure (so what’s not to like?). 7. Samantha Young – On Dublin Street – Hoots mon! Scotland's answer to yon E.L. James. Braden Carmichael is used to getting what he wants, and he's determined to get Jocelyn into his bed. If only it were that simple. 8. CC Gibbs – Knight’s Mistress - Katherine Hart is a talented, sassy young hacker; Dominic Knight is a sexy, dominant, billionaire: sound familiar? Well worth a read 9. Beth Kery – Because You Are Mine: The New York Times bestselling e-book serialisation complete and in print for the first time. The mistress of well written sex. 10. Laurelin Paige – Fixed On You –  “Read it in an air-conditioned room or turn on the fan – it… is… HOT." Writes Melanie Harlow, author of Speak Easy. Well, we couldn't put it better ourselves.

Ruby Restored!

10th July 2014

Our news story on 2nd July about poor Leena McCall’s painting being chucked out of the Society of Women Artists’ exhibition by their host gallery, the Mall Galleries, was followed by a little flurry of excitement in the meedja, culminating (or perhaps not) with Dan Damon’s World Update on the World Service yesterday. Among these, our sainted former editor Rowan Pelling penned a lovely piece for the Guardian on the 8th July and a former ER columnist, Dr Brooke Magnanti, aka Belle de Jour, likewise wrote a convincing argument in the Telegraph against the sanitisation of the world for the sake of children and vulnerable adults. Meanwhile the painting has been relocated by its inclusion in a show opening tomorrow, entitled Summer Salon, at a new London art venue, The Leyden Gallery, 9 Leyden St, London E1 7LE (a very smart move by the gallery owners). We’re expecting crush barriers will be erected any moment now, so visit early to avoid the scrum… However there remains a mystery: who was it that actually called Leena’s painting ‘too pornographic and disgusting’? Was it a member of the Mall Galleries’ executive committee? Or was it uttered  by a visitor (or visitors) to the gallery? Did one exclaim “This is simply too pornographic!” while another, nodding his head wisely and voicing his agreement, propounded “And too disgusting, too!” We await an answer from Leena’s press officer, Rosanna Head.

If Jean Genet was alive today

4th July 2014

"Slowly but surely I want to strip her of every kind of happiness so as to make a saint of her" - Jean Genet, Our Lady of the Flowers. In a couple of weeks' time, Joseph Mercier and his company PanicLab present their latest work Of Saints And Go-Go Boys in London for three nights at Toynbee Studios. Commissioned for Homotopia’s tenth anniversary and premiered at Liverpool’s Unity Theatre last November, Of Saints And Go-Go Boys is an uncompromising and erotically-charged descent into a world of misfits and sinners. CLICK ON IMAGE FOR MORE INFO AND DATES

The Mall Galleries Respond

3rd July 2014

An update about the painting that Leena McCall has had removed from the SWA exhibition (see below): a full statement has now been issued by the Mall Galleries: MALL GALLERIES STATEMENT RE: PAINTING BY LEENA MCCALL     *  The painting by Leena McCall was hung in an exhibition organised, selected and funded by the Society of Women Artists, who have hired the Mall Galleries (run by the Federation of British Artists) for their annual exhibition.     *  The Mall Galleries played no part in its selection or hanging.     *  As an educational arts charity, the Federation has a responsibility to its Trustees and to the children and vulnerable adults who use its Galleries and Learning Centre. After a number of complaints regarding the depiction of the subject and taking account of its location en route for children to our Learning Centre, we requested the painting was removed.  The Society of Women Artists made no objection and replaced it with another painting, also depicting a female nude. Mall Galleries / Federation of British Artists This has prompted the artist to ask the following questions: 1. Why did the Mall Galleries not simply have the painting moved to a less prominent spot in the gallery? 2. Why is it ok to replace "Portrait of Ms Ruby May, standing" with a nude by another artist? 3. What is it about the painting that is seen as a threat to children/vulnerable adults? 4. Would the Society for Women Artists like to respond to this press release? The SWA continue to be unavailable for comment…

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Fiction

MÉNAGE À TROIS: This is what it's like

by Kass Goldsworthy / 16th August 2014

Someone is rubbing your arm. The moment comes to you in patches: you’re not in your bedroom, you’re in the living room; it’s not morning yet, but it’s close to it; someone is rubbing your arm. It’s your husband. He bends into your neck and kisses it. He pulls at your nipple. You’d rather sleep, but you arch against him anyway. When he speaks, his voice is low and sure. He tells you to go to the bedroom and to leave the door open.

MÉNAGE À TROIS: The Midwesterners

by Ruby McNally / 4th August 2014

One nice thing about Josh having more money than God these days, even if the rest of it is colossally weird: whenever they hang out now, the food is always amazing. "Remember in high school when we used to cut seventh and go to Taco Bell all the time?" Natalie asks, knifing a slice of cheese off a block that probably cost about as much as this semester’s grad stipend. They're sitting on the back porch of Josh's cabin, sun just starting to sink and Lake Michigan glittering through a cluster of pine trees, a long pathway snaking down to a dock.

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Galleries

RORY MIDHANI

19th July 2014

RORY MIDHANI is a freelance editorial/narrative illustrator interested in telling stories within a single page. The work he enjoys the most is creating scenes of real and imagined places, with an emphasis on character. Click on the image to see more of his amazing work.

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Podcasts

Because She's Got Breasts

by / 5th September 2013

After a few months at Erotic Towers, Tati is leaving her post as editorial assistant to chase boys in the South of France. Parting is such sweet sorrow: let us sweeten it a little more with a charming song about her breasts. Ladies, this one is for you.

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Articles

Interrupted Sea Views

by Single Woman Abroad / 18th August 2014

I'm sitting on my balcony typing. Some days, I can't believe how lucky I am. For a fraction of the rent I paid in London, I have a flat overlooking the azure blue Mediterranean Sea. Of course, this being Ibiza it also overlooks a brothel (well technically, it vaunts itself as an escort agency) with a big red neon sign. Outside, it has a sad little astroturfed garden furnished with a few high white plastic tables and a couple of flags which hang limp in the airless summer heat. From my balcony I have a clear view of the bored looking women leaning on the tables waiting for work to come by. They are dressed in the most obvious forms of sexy: bustiers; stilettos; minidresses.

Postcards From Beyond No.5: Vintage Tractors v. Chelsea Tractors

by Bruce Abrahams / 17th August 2014

It was our local village carnival recently. In procession with the usual tractors (ancient and modern), 1950s Austin cars and glum looking children in Disneyworld-inspired, home-made costumes, were various floats. As always, these were mostly created by local football and young farmers clubs. And as usual, they tended to major on tableaux featuring hefty blokes with lividly rouged faces and wearing floral dresses and balloon bosoms. The term ‘bosom’ is especially apposite in the context – ‘breasts’ implies a totally different perspective on this aspect of gender difference.

Choosing To Be Single

by Single Woman Abroad / 10th August 2014

Yesterday morning there was a knock on my bedroom door. When I opened it, my new housemate was standing outside in his underpants. He's a faux-hippie in his early-forties. So far my observations are as follows: His almost religious obsession with recycling sits slightly at odds with his prodigious consumption of Air Miles. In the noughties he would have been described as 'metrosexual'. He owns more miniature hair products than Boots in Piccadilly Circus and has littered the bathroom with a plethora of grooming products from foot files to moisturisers to exfoliators. He has two types of toothpaste: Pro-enamel and Colgate Total, mouthwash and an electric toothbrush. Of course, for his tushie, only Aloe Balm Wet Ones will do.

There Must Be Easier Ways To Earn A Living

by Single Woman Abroad / 2nd August 2014

On Thursday night I did a trial shift in a restaurant in Figueretas. For those of you who have never been to Figueretas, it’s a gaudy beach on the outskirts of Ibiza Town. One of those lurid little resorts, littered with souvenir shops that sell t-shirts depicting women engaging in various metaphors for fellatio (licking lollipops, peeling bananas etc) and bars which sell cocktails with names like Sex on the Beach, Cock Sucking Cowboy and Slippery Nipple.

No Sexting, Please. We're British.

by Ian Dunt / 27th July 2014

When the sex offenders register was first conceived, we can presume it wasn't intended to include teenagers taking photos of themselves. That would be absurd and no right-minded lawmaker would wish it. But laws, like pets, have a life of their own. Take your eye off them and they will shit in your house. This week, a teenage girl was given a police caution for taking a photo of herself partially undressed and sending it to her boyfriend. In any normal conception of the world this would be considered regrettable teenage behaviour. In the brave new world in which we live it is 'distributing indecent images of a child'.

Rochester Redux

by Alexander Larman / 21st June 2014

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester, is often thought to be the quintessential Restoration man, in terms of his debauched lifestyle and squandered brilliance. When he began one of his most famous poems, A Ramble In St James’s Park, with the statement that ‘Much wine had passed, with grave discourse Of who fucks who, and who does worse’, his aristocratic readers, recognising themselves as those who participated in such ‘grave discourse’, would have sniggered and enjoyed the allusion.

POSTCARDS FROM BEYOND NO. 4

by Bruce Abrahams / 16th June 2014

I sit on my terrace with the sun setting on an azure sea – or some such. In the fields around me cattle graze peacefully and sheep engage in sheep like wanderings, dispersed across the meadows. I note that three young bulls (all virgins) have just broken out of their enclosure and are heading for a neighbouring field full of dairy heifers. On the wireless news is brought to me of Iraq and the sectarian conflict erupting from its previous simmer. The Sun has, via the postman, delivered a free copy of its special ‘celebrating England’ issue. This is a masterly stunt designed to reinforce and infuse our World Cup efforts with a general sense of how brilliant the English are. Pace any Scots or indeed Welsh readers, there is acknowledgement that being English is inclusive.

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Reviews

Fairytales

by Edward Field / 23rd August 2014

We all love a fairytale ending. Especially after that rollercoaster romance à la Mills & Boon, which overcame more obstacles than a Hastings crazy golf course. Cue the wedding bells, blushing brides, pregnancy, toddlers, mortgages, education, outlawed in-laws, family seaside holidays, bringing home the bacon, pipe and slippers, grandchildren, Werthers Originals, retirement, death, merry widowhood and cats. NO! Wrong! We hate fairytale endings because, really, they suck. So says (rather more elaborately) Helen Croydon in her latest book, Screw the Fairytale: A Modern Girl's Guide to Sex and Love. Her view is that fairytales always end when the Prince kisses the Princess, because the rest of the story is so crotch-witheringly dull.

Blazing Star

by Jonathon Green / 15th July 2014

Rochester, aristocrat, courtier, debauchee, atheist, drunk, naval hero, bisexual, father and, for its own purposes, poet, is one of Eng. Lit.’s perennial conundrums. Like Pope’s Sporus, he seems at time ‘a painted child of dirt that stinks and stings,’ at others, to steal the jealous Hilaire Belloc’s sneer at P.G. Wodehouse, ‘English literature’s performing flea’.  A fallen angel, perhaps, capering on a shit-smeared pin. He lived fast, died young (like Christ, at 33) and, the bulk of his life having been subject to the on-going attrition of incurable syphilis, his corpse was far from good-looking. If one uses a phrase that conjures up a rock or movie star maudit, then it is apt: in many ways his life seems very modern: in two words, the rebel. The question remains: to what extent was there also a cause.

Saintly Stuff

by Kate Borcoman / 11th July 2014

It is generally acknowledged that romantic women’s fiction subscribes, in the main, to the following truisms: there must be an "emotionally satisfying and optimistic ending’ and where possible the ‘hero’ should appear to be unobtainable à la Rochester with his mad wife; Edward, a vampire and, of course, Christian with his fucked-up kinkiness

Such clever, expensive racehorses

by Zoë Apostolides / 8th July 2014

“We're white, we’re westerners, we're girls and we’re rich, of course we're fucking miserable. The standards are just too fucking high for us to be anything else.” Milly Thomas' new play, A First World Problem,  is a must-see. Under bright lights and perched on hard-backed, straight-A classroom chairs three young women are poised like eager greyhounds waiting for the rabbit to be released. Each one holds the key to a future in her lap, cased in an innocuous brown envelope. Have they been accepted to Oxbridge, or rejected? And if they've got the go-ahead, are they attractive enough, slim enough, sporty or edgy or rich enough, to succeed there? These are 'first world problems', and lead actress-cum-writer Milly Thomas' eponymous new play is chock-a-block with 'em.

Review: The Erotic Doll

by Peter Webb / 21st May 2014

At the start of his book, Mr. Smith poses the questions: “What is the nature of man’s – or rather men’s –intimate and erotic relations with inanimate human forms?”…”When, where and why have human beings – usually but by no means only, men – fallen in love with statues and other inanimate things?”…”What provokes or stirs them to consummate that love erotically and what form does such consummating take?” These are provocative and intriguing questions…

Going Down…

by John D. Michaelis / 11th May 2014

Gazzman’s Down On Abby, by missing a crucial ‘t’ and ‘e’, cheekily creates a porno-parody of a particularly notorious period soap, one of the several jewels in Julian Fellowes’ artistic (and now, of course, baronial) coronet. Except that in Gazzman’s movie, not much happens in the way of snobbery, avarice, pride, intolerance or any other of the many aristocratic vices that Baron Fellowes so lovingly, yet obsessively, dwells upon. Aristos and staff are all far too busy screwing one another. In the nicest way possible. 

Rupert Everett's Love for Sale: Channel 4

by Bruce Abrahams / 2nd May 2014

Channel 4 has had the wisdom to allow Everett total creative control. He conducted his inquiry with delicacy, balance and restraint. There was nothing louche in the way he explored the world of paid sex – in which he has been both consumer and vendor. Instead he used his credentials to elicit the views and commentaries of his respondents with great insight and gentle empathy.

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Did Johann Salvadorus kill the Homecoming Queen? No, he did far worse…

Why not treat your Kindle (or other eReader) to a first-class read?  Now available from ER BOOKS, Heart Killer is a dark, erotic, time-tripping crime thriller by Andy Nowicki.
Heart Killer is Nowicki’s fifth novel, with close thematic links to his controversial 2011 novella, The Columbine Pilgrim

eBook price: £4.30

Erotic Review Books

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