Long distance information, give me… We-Vibe, Tennessee
There’s an innate fear that technology will, at some point, take over our lives completely. Some think this is imminent. Well, Mankind, the appliance of science is now seducing your Womankind, insinuating itself into your bedroom and even getting involved in you performance. But panic not: it’s not so much a threat as a gimmicky detour. And what’s more, the new We-Vibe 4 plus promises orgasms for your (female) partner, even if you’re on another continent. And all this without third-party involvement! (Just don’t forget to charge your phone).
The We-Vibe 4 Plus is very similar to its predecessor, the We-vibe 4, a remote controlled, so-called ‘couples vibrator’. The general idea being that the toy can be both manually and remotely controlled by either partner. Like its predecessor, this toy boasts a cleverly designed, fit-in-your-pocket-shaped clitoris and G spot stimulator, its remote controlling either both areas at once or one at a time. Where they differ, however, is that while the We-Vibe 4 has a simple remote, the We Vibe 4 Plus has a product-defining, gizmo-controlling app called We Connect: ‘play together while you’re apart’, promises the blurb. Play together, that is, whether you’re across the hall or across the Atlantic. A redefinition of ‘playing away’?
I liked the idea that for once I wouldn’t have to be struggling with the controls (which, in case you hadn’t noticed, are becoming increasingly needful of a degree from MIT), and it would allow my boyfriend (a plumber by trade) to be getting on at work while he was getting me off at home. What’s not to like? Timesaving, and just a tad exciting.
I may be considered a technophobe (I still have my mother’s ancient iPhone), but I’m also something of a control freak. I actually read the somewhat opaque instruction manual, Get to know the We-vibe, first. Once I had deciphered this, contrary to expectations, I found the app was intuitive and fairly easy to navigate. Like just about everything else in the iSphere, it was simple and designed to be played with.
So I did.
Using the exotic ‘cha-cha-cha’ vibrate option was like gyrating on the shoulders of a Cuban gigolo; I would, without hesitation, go there again. And there’s nothing wrong with a mechanical orgasm achieved in 20 seconds even though that incurs a sense of slightly guilty self-indulgence. But when it came to two playing that game there seemed to be something slightly out of kilter with the engineering of the We-Vibe.
The purple claw-like Vibe arrives in a clinical storage-cum-charging ‘egg’. Nicely designed and everything fits perfectly into its slot. But unfortunately, you can’t say the same when it comes to actually using this space-age widget. Its shape is quite reliant on one position to make it feel good: namely lying back and thinking of England. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not adverse to said position, but it kind of limited the fun I was promised. In any other position it felt almost uncomfortable, and I became more concerned about where the toy, rather than my pleasure, was at.
It took a while to convince the Plumber to download the ‘We-Connect’ app on his phone, in fact it was about as easy as asking him to wear a condom, a year into our relationship. But once installed, the app was ridiculously easy to use. After connecting your toy to your app (it takes less than two seconds via Bluetooth) you merely open the app: here, at the bottom of its home page lie the clitoral and G spot stimulators; which have matching up and down controllers, starting at a gentle ‘one’ and peaking at a Black-and-Decker-worthy ‘ten’. Above the two controllers is a small screen with a wave monitor. Don’t mistake this for an A&E department BPM heart-rate monitor – it’s a storyboard of your intended orgasm route. Only the person holding the controller can see this. Fiendish. And above the monitor is a drop-down menu of all the different vibrations and settings one can choose from. There’s the standard vibrate, there’s the pulse, the tide or more exotic approaches such as the surf and the peak. These more staccato settings attempt to build you up to dam-busting crescendo. But for me, it didn’t quite work: the suspense of waiting and wondering what would happen next didn’t kill me – only IT.
The Plumber’s mission was to establish the distance at which he could control the toy via the app. So off he went, iPhone in hand, to test it. Yes, it works from the kitchen! Yes, dear, it still works in the lift. Yes, it works from the building site. The whole idea of the We-Vibe’s app is that it works not only from the next-door room, but also from the next-door continent.
Back to the mechanics; the flat head of the external clitoral stimulator sanded me down rather than rubbed me up, while the internal G-spot tickler was… well, rather nice. It made its presence felt and it did its job, even though I did have to turn it up to its max.
But actually having two-person sex with the We-Vibe in its correct position was a different story. It felt rather like trying to pack a tent after a week at Glastonbury: wet, messy and not enough room for everybody. It didn’t work for me and was eventually dismissed by the diligent (but ultimately frustrated) Plumber.
All in all, it was all right; but maybe more dinner for one than a meal for two. Possibly its shape needs to allow more versatility of positions; then again, after the anti-climax of the Plumber, perhaps I needed to try it with a different man. An Electrician, perhaps?
Where to get the We-Vibe 4 Plus: at the time of publication, this groovy gizmo was on special offer at Love Your Toy for £84.95