Artwank!

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Cinema may be a social experience, but porn is not. Unless you’re attending Artwank!, where cabaret firebrand Ophelia Bitz curates and hosts a refreshingly unapologetic offering of vintage adult film snippets, sex debate and live performance.

London’s newest monthly adult-themed outing follows a successful six-month run in Brighton. Taking up residence at ultra-hip arts haunt Horse Hospital, the event burrows deep into the rich history of audiovisual erotica to unearth rough pearls predating the age of silicone-bloated, shaved-and-waxed cookie-cutter porn. Anything goes, from jumpy fin-de-siècle French nasties to 70s locker-room gay romps.

The evening’s primary appeal is humour. A laid-back atmosphere prevails throughout the event as a diverse crowd of permissive enthusiasts (and the occasional unsuspecting curious) cackles and cheers at the projections, none longer than a few minutes. Expect a treasure trove of preposterous fixations and overeager excess: unhindered by political correctness, the cameras of yore would promptly capture naked women served to tavern patrons on trays, clowns with bulging erections and naked grown-ups in baby attire. An Asian ladyboy waiting on a Victorian gentleman wrings many an audible gasp from the audience, which turn into embarrassed moans as soon as a friendly mutt walks into the frame of a threesome, bristling with possibilities. So be advised that this crass overstimulation of every dormant urge imaginable may not be exactly what floats your boat – though we won’t judge you if it is. Only laugh at you.

Sexual activist and porn enthusiast Kitty Stryker took over lecture duties for the debut, examining the evolution of adult footage from the earliest overenthusiastic efforts, when the drive to explore visual gratification yielded a homogeneous torrent of perversions unfiltered by modern “niche” labeling, to the quantitative, the-more-holes-filled-the-better approach currently dominant in mainstream adult video. An active sex worker, Ms. Stryker offered insightful glimpses into the decline of collective adult film enjoyment for humorous purposes with the advent of the VCR, as well as the resurgence of spontaneity in erotic audiovisual due to the increasing popularization of handheld cameras in amateur porn.

Performances are suitably kept to a minimum in Artwank! – it is primarily a film screening, after all. But the live bill is thoroughly integrated into the program. On the burlesque front, latter-day valkyrie Crimson Skye contributed her notorious Black Hole act, an aggressive, formidably engrossing strip routine brimming with sardonic BDSM self-parody. Strutting black-clad from head to toe to Muse’s Feeling Good, the ravishing redhead gradually purges different layers of darkness as she molests a receptive and rather versatile black balloon (which, if you’re paying attention, means you get two fetishes for the price of one).

In a stunt as effective as it was simple, guttersnipe vaudevillian Tom Baker played a live soundtrack to one of the evening’s most endearing films. His accomplished, superbly timed accompaniment greatly enhanced the almost innocent charm of a 19th-century slapstick segment where an inventor attempts to tune a television-like device to capture images of hula hula dancers. The accordionista catches the many moods of the piece’s exaggerated expressions, accentuating sudden reactions and wild antics with a sophisticated, finely nuanced impromptu score. Sadly, his performance was limited to a single segment of the bill (recorded soundtracks, often comically anachronistic, were the norm for the rest of the projection). The unanimous cheering his performance prompted confirmed it as the unarguable highlight of the show.

But it was with its hostess-curator that Artwank! reached the sinful depths of its cabaret nature. The iconoclastic diva held the audience in entranced anticipation with some of the sharpest, most compellingly outrageous banter currently available on London’s variety stages. Ophelia Bitz is always a guaranteed laugh-out-loud riot, but her new baby prompted her to new heights of delightful impropriety. Her participation included the hilariously stiff Dietrich parody Diving in Muff Again and further tampering with the audience in the form of her infamous onstage cunnilingus competition (previously seen in Night of the Blue Stockings), where two kiwi fruit-wielding contestants are rewarded for their humiliation with free tickets to the next show (as was, incidentally, the best dressed audience member).

Artwank! packages a foolproof concept in a relaxed and absorbing atmosphere, offering a truly unique experience in cabaret entertainment. Kudos to the immoral genius that put this wild ride together – she may have found her true calling, the filthy tramp. Guarantee your fix of over-the-top smut by booking early, because the Horse Hospital’s 70-seat capacity won’t last long when Ophelia’s bits hit the silver screen again next month.

Artwank! The Horse Hospital, London. 30 March, 20:30. £8. www.artwank.co.uk

Photo credits: ER Archives (outdoor lesbians), others courtesy of the performers

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