Let’s Get Over Our Genitals, Shall We?
The other day in my Twitter feed there was news that Missouri researcher Alicia Walker, PhD was calling for men to send her photos of their penises. Sadly, a few days later, she shut down the study because of public backlash and hate mail. Sigh… Only in America would this topic cause indignation. Other studies have measured penis size. The British Journal of Urology published a study in 2013 measuring the penis size of nearly 20,000 men worldwide. What Alicia Walker wanted to do differently was to talk about the psycho/social effects of this knowledge to her male subjects. She was discovering in her preliminary data that men often think their penis size is below average when, in fact, they are either bang in the middle or above average in length and girth. Her project was to evaluate whether a man’s size, and his perception of his penis size, affects his confidence, his sexuality and his overall quality of life. Walker believes men who think they have a small penis, even if it is not small, may feel less confident about pursuing relationships, engaging in a healthy sex life, using condoms, or going to the doctor. “It’s serious.” she says. “Some of them actually attempted suicide. A lot of men carry secret anxiety because of their penis size,”
I’m quick to blame online porn for giving men a sense of inadequacy. However, what I want to emphasize here is that for lots of women, myself included, size doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it (and other parts of your body) that will keep your lover lusty for you. Some of my best lovers were men who I knew to have cocks on the small size (based on my own unscientific though naked research). These men excelled in bed because they were attentive kissers, loved to give oral and were happier than pigs in mud when we were rolling in the sheets. Enthusiasm is sexy. Men with big dicks tend to think size alone will satisfy a woman and he need only put it in, and all will be marvelous. Wrong. Big dicks are often uncomfortable and require more lube than even a well aroused vagina can produce. That’s not to say you lovely men who have big dicks are at a disadvantage. Size can be fun, but don’t let that be the only thing you think you have to offer a lover.
And here’s the real and not insignificant fact of having a small dick: YOU WILL GET MORE BLOW JOBS. Feeling suffocated by a large cock is an eye-watering experience. The bigger a man is, the harder it is for a woman to give that frightening phallus a good sucking. I cringe every time I see a woman in a porn clip gag on a cock, and when it happens to me I sometimes wonder if I’m going to lose my dinner. I haven’t yet mastered the skill of deep throating, and I’m not sure I want to add it to my repertoire. Tickling a uvula with the head of your dick may be fun for you guys, but if your woman is feeling asphyxiated, she probably won’t come crawling back eagerly to get her face between your legs any time soon.
Let’s not leave the lowly but lovely vagina out of this discussion. I’ve been shocked by the increasingly common topic of labiaplasty, a surgical procedure where the inner lips of the vagina are trimmed, essentially giving a woman the pussy of a Barbie Doll. Requests for the procedure have steadily grown over the past ten years, with a 45% increase in requests between 2015 and 2016.
Women of the Western world, many of whom may have cried out against female genital mutilation, are coughing up nearly $6000 to have their vaginal lips cut off. Of course, we could make a case that the procedures done to girls is religious sexual repression and when women choose it, it’s in order to improve the appearance of their vaginas. Nonetheless, I’m distressed by this cosmetic surgery. If you visit a plastic surgery website, their description will try to convince you that large labia can be a medical issue associated with pain whilst taking a spin class. But further down, they admit that over 90% of their requests for labiaplasty are for aesthetic reasons only. Personally, I only spin in well-padded bike shorts.
Had I not had several men tell me they adored my own large labia, I might have thought about having labiaplasty. I’ve had a baby, I don’t look like a porn star. And when you’re having an exuberant sex life, you sometimes want to feel (and look) like a porn star. But I can’t imagine the surgery is worth it. As one man said, “Most guys prefer oysters to clams, my dear.” And let’s be clear; a lot of us women are big, juicy, oysters. It’s only the porn stars who have massive cocks and tiny labia. They shouldn’t be setting the example of our genital ideals.
So let’s get over our genitals, shall we? Let’s instead focus on what we do with our bodies, mouths, fingers and eyes when it comes to good loving. Connection, enthusiasm, and curiosity will make for a great sex life, not the size, shape or angle of your bits.
Love, Karin
relationships@ermagazine.org; @mskarinjones
I think you’re wrong about cock size and getting more blow jobs. I think this might be your own preference. Men with bigger cocks are more likely to have women interested in one night stands to try them out, just because they’re unique. And a guy with an 8″ cock is never going to be shamed for his size. Men with smaller penises do get shamed all the time. Women fully admit that too small is a bad thing. I know this article is meant to be helpful, but too many real life experiences show men that size does matter, and average 5-6″ cocks are not the most preferred.