UKIP shocker: exclusive interview with French Sexpert and Sausage Manufacturer
Earlier today we caught up with Monsieur Nielle Fernandel-Farage, a French UKIP supporter who is making a bid to join the burgeoning political party once he has changed his own nationality to British; we talked to him about how he also intends to secure a position among its top brass as an expert on sexuality, humour and Scottish Affairs.
“I am fed up with the Sauce Hollandaise,” twinkles Fernandel-Farage, a successful producer of saucisson sec from Marseille. “I was looking for a more sensible, dynamic and charismatic leader in France, but with François Hollande it is, how do you say, the final drop that overflows my vase; my patience has expired. I will be flying my private plane to London to meet up with UKIP’s leader; in him I see all the attributes that are lacking in Hollande, and I hope to advise him on many ways of how to improve upon his already successful formula.”
Your name has certain similarities to that of the UKIP leader. Is there a family link?
“No, not as far as I know. But of course, we Fernandel-Farages go back a long way, before the Huguenots, so maybe we are distantly related.”
And the Fernandel part of the name? Any connection with the 1950s comic film star?
Which particular UKIP policies have made you feel strongly enough to desert your own country and apply for UK citizenship?
“I detest all politicians and foreigners, so this makes it a piece of gâteau for me.”
But Mr Farage (the UKIP leader, that is) is a politician. And you are French.
“I know. It is unfortunate. But no one is perfect.”
And why Scottish Affairs?
“Aha. If Scotland separates from the rest of Le Royaume-Uni, I will persuade them, with humour, charm and wit, to come back to us. I have a Scottish maîtresse. I love Scotland and its affairs – vive la Vieille Alliance!
And your views on same-sex marriage?
“That is simple. I say ‘Liberté, Egalité and Fraternité’.”
Thank you, Monsieur Fernandel-Farage.