Erotic Review Magazine

Monday 3rd May

by Sophie Titwank / 4th May 2010

I think I’m in love! With Gordon Ramsay. It’s all very strange because I am not normally attracted to a face that hangs loosely off the front of the head, looking like it’s waiting for a man with a mouthful of pins and some french chalk to come round and adjust it to fit.
I haven’t met him, of course. But MWAH! was handling the launch of ‘Wasted’, the new Girl Power Glossy – all spatchcocked footballers centrally spread, female ejaculation ‘how to’ features and a Lager of the Month – and I had to create the eats.
I got some fabulous hand made tortellini from the gorgeous GianFranco – a man so exuberantly hirsute he gives the impression of having been knitted, rather than born – and served it in Pot Noodle containers with plastic forks. Everyone lounged around drinking from Red Stripe cans (filled with Bolly, of course. NV)and watched telly. Which was where Gordon came in. I wanted something ‘a propos’….so I edited together all the bits of Gordon Ramsay’s television career where he says ‘fuck’, and got about an hour an twenty minutes out of it. Perfect!
BOLLYCOUNT V. Respectable.. although the Red Stripe can does lend a definite ‘morning after the Notting Hill Carnival’ flavour I, personally could live without.
BONKCOUNT Hot with the hormonal salsa whipped up by Gordon, tempted the Features Editor of ‘Wasted’ into the kitchens during the self-congratulatory speeches and he showed me a couple of standard layouts on a butcher’s block.

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