Ten possible ‘inappropriate’ uses of the morning after pill from which Boots might wish to disincentivize you with its high prices.
1. Deliberately not having safe sex before you go to a rave, so you can take your cheaper MAP and pretend it’s a fun party drug to win respect from your equally reckless friends (before going home early to recover from your dizziness and nausea).
2. Buying the newly affordable MAP in bulk to make fun candy necklaces that will wow your friends and colleagues.
3. Keeping one in your pocket in case anyone ever asks if you have an iPad, so you can whip it out and say ‘no, but I’ve got a tablet!’ This is a sure fire way not to make everyone laugh and want to be your friend.
4. Waving it at the vicar in case he or she gets embarrassed.
5. Crushing it and using it as a flavoursome condiment.
6. Selling the MAP at a mark-up to schoolgirls on buses to supplement your income.
7. Hosting MAP and prosecco parties where you celebrate female liberation and plot to overthrow the patriarchy.
8. Keeping a box visible on your nightstand to convince men they don’t need to put a condom on, when actually you’re desperate to harvest their sperm and conceive so you can use satanic ritual and foul-smelling herbs to become the mother of invincible devil-spawn.
9. Sweetening your daily cup of feminism-gone-mad coffee brewed with the tears of good men and the blood of unborn children.
10. Using it as your standard form of contraception even though that makes absolutely. no. fucking. sense. because it’s still several times more expensive per shag than a £4 condom bought from a pub vending machine.
Things Boots are actually disincentivizing women from doing
1. Exercising their right to bodily autonomy and preventing unwanted pregnancy, irrespective of their income level, background, and ability to access free NHS services in time.
2. Shopping at Boots.
For more background to the Boots Morning After Pill pricing controversy, click here. The author of this piece, like many other women, is boycotting Boots until it recognises its policy is sexist, classist, and full of paternalistic nonsense. For more on the campaign by bpas to convince high street retailers to drop the price of emergency contraception, go to justsaynon.org.uk.
Image created from a photograph by Emma Danielsson.